I have walked around feeling like the bad guy for the past week and worrying about this situation. She will never apologize for any misunderstanding. Even after realizing my displeasure with the peanut butter situation, she just acted like I was the one with the problem. I can beat all of this. I had to find out through someone else. I can give you a perspective from the future. I am 51 and my son is now My MIL did these things with my son. Fed him donuts and bacon because he liked it, despite my asking her not to, until he became overweight.
The list goes on and on. I never really put my foot down. Recently I gave him my old car. Today she decided he needs a new one and is taking him shopping next week. Oh man, the peanut butter thing…not cool! You have every right to be upset and say enough. My daytime sitter is a friend of mine, a fellow mom, who has two kids aged 5 and 7 — and she fed my 1 year old peanut butter. The fact that you said something and MIL went ahead and did it anyway is really worrying.
I agree with everything Amy said. Mommy over here of two boys, with one overbearing know it all MIL and a peanut allergy. Feeling your pain.
After several run ins, husband and I decided we just needed to set boundaries and be willing to shut down the relationship for a while when they are crossed. Your MIL does not respect you as a parent at all. Not one little bit. She has told you flat out that she is going to do what she is going to do.
Does she care about your feelings? Does she care if things will be awkward? No, not one itty bitty bit. Grandma is FUN! Grandma lets us do whatever we want! But yeah — I echo everyone else. In a way, she totally gave you an out when she sent that email. But what I need while at work is a caregiver, not a fun Grandma, so I have made other arrangements. As a mother-in-law with 2 sweet grandchildren, I would just LOVE one time to hear that some young woman appreciates her mother-in-law and understands that grandma wants the best for the grandchildren while having a great relationship with the kids and the daughter-in-law.
Sorry, but it seems like we spend a lot of time bashing mothers-in-law…makes me regret some of the things I said about my own. I tell people that half the reason I married my husband was for his parents, half-jokingly but only half lol. They shared a house for about nine months when I was an infant because my parents were dealing with an eminent domain legal mess. Totally pulling out of your current caregiving situation seems really harsh and hurtful.
You are missing the point. You said you raised your babies, so why not let DIL raise hers? I would have a sit-down with Grandma. Tell her how much you appreciate the relationship. Tell her that you have gone out of your way to drive the boys to her house each week. Tell her that you want the boys to always have a relationship with her.
I had a similar situation during a long period of nap struggles. I feel your pain and I will go back and read what everyone says after this but dude. I would definitely talk to her, but gently. First of all, any caregiver is going to do things differently than you would. Second, the grandmother relationship is special, and I think it deserves more leniency and different expectations. I get how much it sucks to feel undermined as a parent, especially by someone that you have something of an awkward relationship with the whole in-law thing is fraught, it just is.
And yes, your kiddos need consistency, and boundaries. So I rarely comment, but am an avid reader and usually agree so wholeheartedly with the advice given here. I have to weigh in here, however, and disagree a bit. Even as someone who cares a great deal about the details of my kids lives, I think you are taking things a bit too hard. Also as someone who is potty-training a 2-year-old, the diaper issue is not a real deal breaker. I agree with the last commenter who said she rarely disagrees with the advice here… but I do disagree a bit here too.
I think the original poster is SO lucky to have a grandmother so willing to take care of her grandchildren, and willing to provide such regular childcare. So few grandparents are willing to do that, and it sounds like your boys really love her and have a real relationship with her. Like following diet restrictions. And maybe he can take over pickup and drop off.
And maybe really ask her if having the kids every week is too much? What a horrid situation.
What if their future wives are elective c-section, formula feeding by choice, cry-it-out type of parents? She needs to understand that no one is saying that she did things wrong when she raised HER kids, but everyone needs to be on the same page when it comes to THESE kids or this arrangement is just not going to work. I know it can be hard when someone watching your child parents differently than you but this all seems harsh.
I currently because of divorce live with my parents. I depend on them to get my daughter to daycare and pick her up because of my schedule. My dad lets my 3 year old watch more tv than I do, my mom is a complete disruption to her bedtime routine at least once a week and sometimes I make a healthy dinner to find out it was replaced with ice cream. I have been lucky enough for my parents to be able to provide nearly full-time childcare to my two children, now 6 and almost 2.
It has been wonderful for all of us — the grandparents get to have a very close relationship with the kids, the kids get to spend time with people who love them to pieces, and it has saved us boatloads of money. That being said, I put up with way more than I would tolerate from a paid caregiver… but it is totally worth it in the end.
The things they were allowed to do, eat and say were NOT allowed anywhere else. Once they understood this principle, the after visit fall out was minimized.
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I know my nana definitely did this with me… in particular, never ever saying no or disciplining me. So my daughter who just turned 8…never really had a problem sleeping in her own bed from birth on, she occasionally slept with me maybe once every month or two just cause she wanted to.
During the week she would sleep in her own bed at my house. Well I moved in with her grandma recently because I needed someone to watch her while I work 2nd shift. I also suffer this syndrome. My mil has a complete mental melt down if my 5 year old cries so discipline when she is around is tough because we know 2 people are going to be upset. Once while living with them temporarily we were trying to get my daughter to take a bath and she was resisting. We finally got her in the tub but not without some tears for a few minutes. My MIL freaked out and left her own house and slept in her car all night because she didnt like seeing her cry..
Wait how much are you paying? You get what you pay for. Something MIL should think long and hard about. I had a similar problem with my mother, not my MIL. In the end, the only solution became clear. She visits once in a great while. I love my mother, but she will not undermine my parenting. The day she gave my 11 month old son regular milk against my wishes was the beginning of the end.
She just casually blew off my telling her not to. I do not feel the orginal poster is overreacting at all. This Grandmother is in the care provider position. That means you have to be able to tell the child no and follow the parents rules. There is clearly a lack of respect for the parents here.
The diaper thing would be a big deal to me. Kids need consistency When they are potty training.